Got told my assignment was finishing, could be in a week could be in 4 weeks. That was a week ago and it through me into a bit of a spin. My consulting firm was behaving very strangley having offered me a permanent salary which when I accepted they reduced by 10k. They did not realise I had already been made a higher offer by the same office. My rate was proposed to decrease and that was on the table as the client had decreased rates accross the board and then a week ago they said to stay on the same rate I always was on, which they told me previously they could not afford to continue with. So I asked my manager at the client site what was going on and he said my assignment was finishing. My consuting form would not tell me this and I met with them yesterday and they refused to discuss it, wanting me to sign a contract to stay with them. I told them I would discuss signing another contract in isolation of discussing future work, the current assignment ending and other issues I had. They refused. They also refused ot put anything in writing and have given me until next Friday to sign the contract else they will take that as me terminating my contract with them. I told them this was not right but they were not listening. If I don’t sign the contract and they consider that termination, the client will be left in the lurch and they will be in trouble – this HR manager has no idea what she is doing.

Meanwhile My General Manager and others are being supportive of me getting work within the organisation. I have my resume updated and have applied for jobs on seek. I am also reaching out to my network, but it all takes time. I haven’t been feeling well, not sleeping well and just feel tired and weak and unwell, but I’ll be fine. My ex is also being very supportive, and that is very nice.

Meanwhile, knowing my income my substantially reduce, if indeed I have one in a week, propelled me to find a cheaper home to rent. I achieved that objective and was accepted to both houses I applied for, chose one, going in today to make the bond and first months rent payment. The lease there starts on the 16th of November so I will have 2.5 weeks to move which is expensive but handy. I would not have been successful if I said I would start the lease later than that. The rental market is insane. There are rarely inspections on weekends, weekdays only – OMG. You can no longer provide your drivers license, $100 deposit and pick up a key to look through the house yourself either. You also an not make appointments to see the house with an agent. You simply have to see when they will open it and turn it.  The rentals are often not in good order, messy and crappy – the demand is just so high. Because I have 4 pets I wrote a letter and offered $10 more a week in rent.

The place is small but has lots of natural light. It has a large covered deck at the back which I love, and a huge grassed area with hardy buffalo grass which the dogs will love. It also has a shed. The downside is it is not all floorboards which I love because they are hygenic and easy to keep clean with pets. The bathroom is small and the showerglass is cracked and the owner won’t fix it. The curtains are broken and ripped and crooked and dirty and generally terrible. The owner also will not fix them. So i will find something – blinds or ready made cheap curtains.

So now I have to reach out to my network and find work, and I need to pack and move. I hate moving but I have to do it, and its good I have time to do it in. We can do car trips every day and start moving the smaller stuff. I can clean out what I have here gradually and sell what won’t fit.

I have managed to reduce my weight a tiny bit, and not let it escalate as it about to a couple of months ago. I am seeing the ex regularly and I worry about getting too attached. He is not seeing anyone and we are good together, but then when he gets a new woman in his life I will feel abandoned again and this is not good for me. I know this. Also I was about to date a number of guys and stopped. I just have too much on right now to date and I also don’t want to date when I spending so much time with my ex. If a new guy came over and saw my ex drop by it would not be good for a new relationship. I think my ex is enjoying spending time with me, which is useful for him, but he is not thinking of how its going to hurt me when he starts another new relationship. So I need to sort that out. For now I need to focus on finding work and moving, then him and moving on again.

I’m feeling better, good. I’ve been eating better and the weight stopped climbing, but not losing weight…need to do more exercise. But I am heading in the right direction. Workwise I was down because everything looks bad, and I don’t feel secure with everything happening at work – reducing contractors, no offer of permanency, politics….

But I will stay contracting and am reaching out to my network. I’m very worried about next year but I think things will be ok – they usually turn out ok.

Saw Maos Last Dancer last night – just fantastic. I think it was the best movie I ever saw very well done, very touching. I have Byron Bay booked for next weekend – 31st October but I might cancel – just too much money to spend right now. I am conflicted between just going for myself and not going to save the money. I’ll work it out one way or the other.

Glad the court thing is over from last week, and glad how it turned out from all aspects. Getting on well with the ex and starting to form new relationships with other men. Feeling more settled, though still have a constant sadness that my relationship with my ex ended. I had so many dreams for us and loved him so much. But things happen and I just have to accept them. I watch him stay busy, 7 days a week, work so hard…he always has a goal, I have to work o the weekend because… I have to work tonight til 9pm because. I wish he could realise that life is to live, and he could die at any time. I tell him he won’t wish he worked more on his death bed, but he does not understand. He is determined to get his life on track and just focuses on that. I want him to be happy and relaxed and settled. But I am adjusting to accepting that its his life. Its hard when he goes through a hard time. I want to make things better for him, to help him but I can’t. Again I am finding increasing acceptance that he is his own person now, not part of my life in the way he was.

I’m focusing on me. I still have the speeding fine to fight, and the inevitable loss of license. Buggar. So not fair, so not right. But I have to deal with it as best I can and accept that what happens happens. I have my brothers wedding in the first week of December, the kitchen tea, the hens night – have to find something to wear – arrggghhhh! But all is good. Was thinking about starting up a website and focusfor women/maybe men too dealing with a breakup. Need more time to give it more thought. I really want to help people this way, I am quite passionate about it. We’ll see what happens.

Yesterday I had notice I had to attend court today as a witness for my ex for when his exGF called the police on him and had him removed from her premises. He was charged with resisting arrest but the police took him to my place and the handcuffs were on so tight they did permanent nerve damage. I took photos. The police denied they had handcuffed him in the wagon. Anyway the charges were dropped.

I was awkward and I was not looking forward to it. I had never met her. So it was a horrible thing to think of. Well she was not pretty at all (I had seen a photo where she looked gorgeous – must be weirdly photogenic), and was very ill at ease – I guess it was something very awkward for her too. And for my ex. She would not give me eye contact, would not sit with me. She sat there looking away, arms crossed over her stomach, her legs shaking nervously, pursing her lips, constantly avoiding eye contact – it was very interesting to observe her. I kind of felt a bit sorry for her. her vibes was very uncomfortable, no warmth, just insecurity. she looked like she felt all knotted up, shaken, stirred and frothed up inside. I was just myself, I decided I was absolutely going to help my ex and so I may as well just be me. Some guy tired to pick me up in the court waiting are right in front of her  (over the course of about 4 hours, kept telling me how beautiful I was, tyring to get me to go out with him for a coffee, trying to get my number etc – and anyway the case was won. I was nothing but nice to her, and all in all, I’m glad its over and done with.

Work is good in that I am back to more normal hours but the GEC is deadening the market, rates have dropped and I have to secure my future. so I am working on settling for a lower income and finding some increased level of security while the market is down.  To take the decrease in remuneration and the increase in security I need to move to much cheaper rental and intend to rent in a suburb I can afford to buy in n a years time. not looking forward to moving, but looking forward to gaining more security in my finances.

I continue to work with my financial advisor, a great guy called Steve. We have income protection and life insurance going on, consolidating my super and doing some forward planning. I have engaged an accountant to ensure my company is closed down properly and to do my taxes. I am decreasing debt and also looking for an alternative income to gain by working the internet and pone during out of 9-5 hours with a view to not having to work in the corporate section 9-5 anymore and to break through limiting beliefs and make alot of money. This is taking time in research, but in al areas I am heading in the right direction.

This week I felt flat and tired. Every morning was hard to get up, Friday night I as going to head to a second bar I decided just to go home. When I got home I crashed. Maybe I am short on iron or something.

Had a great dinner night on Thursday with a large group of people, some I know, some not. Ran into Karen who does the acupuncture and chinese medicine – she is so fabulous. Have a dinner party tonight in Niddrie. Kerrie who I met about 6 – 9 months ago is going to pick me up, meet my furs.

I am going to Byron Bay for Cup Weekend. Next March I am going to Bribie Island (up near Brisbane on the Sunshine Coast) with a group of new friends.

I am thinking about getting a motorbike. I need to do something really different in my life. I mean I’m ok, but honestly the breakup is very hard on me. I am much better than I was last year. Last year and the year before I was not emotionally healthy at all. I was devastated through and through at every level and it consumed me.

I am much better and in many ways doing very well. While some people can bounce back into life very quickly, I am not one of those in this case. I can deal with all sorts of trauma so well, many that others could not. But something in me, seems to make it very difficult for me to move on. I loved him and our life so much.

His life changed in every way – except I was still here – like a rock, always here, always the same. But every aspect of my life is the same – except he is not here. I have the same child, the same dogs, the same cats, the same house, the same clothes (not all of them are the same, but alot), the same furniture, the same job. I know I need something really different. Of course I would not change my child or my furs for anything – my point is that I live the same except he is not here anymore. So I need to make him not being here anymore, not the ONLY difference. That is it. Its like a lightbulb moment. I will move house – I keep putting that off, but must do that. Anyway, I’m thinking about getting a motorbike. It would be something REALLY different.

The only issue is that my mother would just be so worried if she knew. And I don’t want to hide this from her. She lives in another city, so hiding it from her is possible. But when my brother got  bike she turned herself inside out with worry.

The other thing is I get claustrophobic. I used to race cars but ended up not being able to do it with wearing a helmet in the car. It felt so closed in. Last time I was at the Philip Island track, when I finished my laps I drove into the pits and jumped out the car. I was trying to keep calm as I tried to undo the clip that held the helmet strips together under my chin, but I couldn’t get them. Lucky my son saw me and ran over to help. I never put a helmet on again.

I have not had a claustrophobic incident in several years (I think) – I might be better now. And if I get a helmet that is easy to unclip, that might help. I will look into getting light but safe helmets so I don’t feel trapped in it.

The other thing is I am fat – so fitting into bike gear might be challenging- good reason to get working on losing more weight!  It will be different – no point wearing makeup or doing my hair if bike riding LOL.  I  would not ride everywhere. I would use the bike for rides along the Great Ocean Road, road trips to places far away. I imagine finding groups of people and riding together to discover lovely places. I imagine riding along the coast, riding around mountains. Seeing vineyards, feeling free, and just experiencing it. It would be different. And it is really appealing to me. Today I bought the Rider Handbook – it has rules and and how to ride information in it – you then take a test and get your license. You also need to pass a riding test. I’m going to have to get lessons if I go ahead. I also bought a magazine Road Rider Cruiser.

Went out Friday night to meet some people at a bar. First I went to a little bar with a male colleague/friend, then onto the Martini Bar to meet up with a large group of people, some of which I had met before but don’t know well. I met new people, two ladies from Sydney, a nice woman from melbourne and several nice guys. Later some of went the Elephant and Wheelbarrow where we sat and talked for a time and then went upstairs when the band came on, then we moved to a rooftop bar further down the street. It was a good night, I enjoyed it.

I drank alot but it was fine. I had gin and tonic, black sambuca, Madarin vodka and soda, a cocktail called Latin Lover (it was fun asking for a Latin Lover LOL) and more. I had several men interested in me but all where very nice and it wasn’t sleezy. In fact the more we drank the funnier it was. some of the pickup lines really crack me up. In the end the bar was closing and my place was closest and they all anted to come to my place. I said no. I got home at 3.30am. It was a fun night. Its good to have those, to validate you can meet new people nice people, and men, even if some are a bit much and trying it on – if they are normal about it, I can handle it just fine.

Its the exs birthday this weekend. I don’t know what’s going on with him but I am definitely on the path of cutting him out of my life. I love him so deeply, so much, and he loves me, but I don’t think there is any point to us seeing each other. It will be very hard when I do cut him out, and I’m not sure how to do it but I know I need to. There can be no more just being friends, or possible reconciliations. Its gone on too long. But I am fine, and that is what is important. I have some job issues, its going well but they are cutting staff and there are some rate changes and I don’t know if I will be there for the next week even at the moment. I am hopeful it will work out fine and I know they want to keep me for now, but its  tough climate in many ways, so I’ll just keep doing what I do as best I can.

I had a bit of a setback. To cut a long story short I was not happy with my exMIL (who I have stayed very close to) because she witnessed a comment I made to my ex about my ex not yet paying his half of the health insurance bill. I have been paying it for many years. Turns out that set on spin telling others I was materialistic, ungrateful, I refused to money into shares she had my son last year (I was broke and fully supporting him on my own) and that I never made her feel like family, only my direct family did I treat like family (not true at all). She lives in Perth and this was on a visit about a month ago. So when she returned for a 2 month visit with my ex, I told him I didn’t want to see her. Last Friday was her birthday and they came here to pick my son for the birthday dinner. I had not been invited, and it hurt. My ex now says “But you said you didn’t want to see her”. Yes that is true, but had I been invited I would have gone and we would have healed the rift.

That night I worked late to 11.30pm to avoid thinking about them all out at the dinner. I got home and my son told me my ex’s exGF who he works with at the dinner. It spun me right into a downhill spiral. Not only was I not invited, this woman was in the seat I should have been in. It also did not make sense because my ex says he is afraid for his personal safety (she did not take their breakup well in April). So why would he or his mother want her at a family birthday dinner – and since my ex and his mother beg me to stay in their lives because they love me so much, the fact that I was not invited and she was – sadly it killed me inside and I cried so much. I stayed in bed sobbing all Saturday.

I also feel bed because I was doing so well, so I am angry at myself, I didn’t know this would happen, I didn’t know I could still be hurt like that. On friday night I so angry i think I could have picked up a car and thrown it at someone. On Saturday all my feelings of rejection and heartwrenching grief flooded back.

So now I have to work through this. My head tells me that when he broke up our marriage he lost the right to my friendship, lost the right to my support, lost the right to my friendship. He has his cake and eaten it too, leaving me, pursing other women, and still I am there for him whenever he needs me. Never in my life have I not been there for him. I still love him so deeply and thought we could be friends, but getting hurt like this, even if unintentional (I feel it was unintentional, just very thoughtless) is someone that is in my control and I need to do what it takes to get that control. Its just very hard for me to cut him out of my life. I know I will miss him, but I know that not knowing anything about his life, not having contact, would help me move on. But I also know it would hurt him badly and I don;t want to hurt anyone like that.

I keep his relationship with his son, as strained as it is. Without me, they would fall apart and he would likely never see his son. And he miss our dogs so much. But he ended the relationship, and as much as he regrets that now, he really has not earned my friendship. He is too busy when I need to talk, he is too busy when I need a friend. Like yesterday we spoke on the phone and I was obviously extremely upset and distressed. He went to a function. He seems to be at a ‘function every Saturday night. I don;t know what it is, but if the situation was reversed, I would have not gone to the function and gotten to my ‘friend’ as soon as I could. he did not.

But he has helped me sort out the car debts, and helped financially in other ways when he could and when he didn’t have to. We have just one more debt that is critical I get his help on. The credit cards I think will be mine to sort out forever, though some of that is his too.

This ’setback’ has brought back much of the pain of the breakup, so its not good. I wish we were how we were before his business started failing a few years ago. I think about how much I loved him and how much I miss him – even though I try not to and convince myself that I don’t miss him. Fact is I do, very much. I will work hard once again to find my way forward, and I trust that my progress up to last week being so good and having reached a good turning point, will hold me in good stead for picking myself up again.

For the first time I really don’t think I can fall in love again.

So much has happened since I last posted. It feels like that was years ago.I feel like a new person!

In late May it was my birthday and I bought myself an iPhone. It was a really good decision because I really enjoy it. Apple did so well putting that together. In June we had a long weekend and my ex took me and the dogs away for a weekend in cottage in the forest along Great Ocean Road. We had been there before and its just lovely. We had a lovely weekend and though I never intended it to be more than going away as friends, we were more than that. And I enjoyed it. It was just very nice. Within a week of that weekend we were talking about reconciliation and I felt sure that after all we had gone through, we were finding our way together again. It surprised me because I had thought I had closed that door for good. Anyway it didn’t last and it caused me more heartache, so much that I had to make a decision not let myself get that way anymore.

I knew I had to move on and pick myself up, shake off the emotional fog that left me feeling numb and lost beyond words. I love this man so much and I had to realise that as well intended as he might be from time to time, he would continue to hurt me if I did not park that love, accept it for what it was, but leave it alone. I realised I don’t have to stop loving him, but I had to stop my love for him adversely affecting me.

Something changed. I deliberately stopped listening to the radio – too many love songs. I stopped playing the Love Actually Album, one of our favourites, Here With Me would bring tears to our eyes. I stopped anything that brought me back to the love I lost, the feeling of bewilderment, the hurt, the not being able to understand what went wrong. I never changed, he did. He seemed to be in such a mess all the time. And when he wanted to reconcile he said all the right things but did not act in a way that was aligned with what he said.  So I had to find a way to accept that I love him more than anything, and leave it alone.

He helped me pay out alot of debt that was in my name, but debt we took on together and debt I was left with after the business collapse and the marriage breakup. It was hard  because he was trying to find his way financially too. But we did it. I still have significant debt but its manageable. Just. By the skin of my teeth. But it is manageable.

I found myself a financial advisor. He and I found 50k in super. Not much, but its something. He used to live on the street and now is doing well, about my age. We worked out I could be loaned 800k for a property but I could not purchase the loan as I had no deposit. So my goal is to get enough money to fund a deposit – about 40k. I would buy something in the 300k plus range.

Meanwhile work was awful.In April I finally reached out or help from my group of mentors…older very experienced men who I love and respect and have worked with before – good friends now and forever I’m sure. I also reached out to a very senior person at my consulting company. They were all amazingly supportive, all very angry at my managers because they know me and know I am a fighter and they were angry because they felt that I had not been supported enough and expectations were too high. It was so good to have those people there for me. I know now I did not push back enough. I got so insanely busy and stressed and that I could not see clearly and this resulted in my not able to see the wood for the trees ie I was not able to articulate what was wrong and what I needed. My managers told me to take a day off work and not log in. I spent that day clearing my head and working out a strategy that would work.

At work they finally restructured the process so other managers took on more responsibility – I just had too much and I was mentally and physically exhausted. I am a fighter, no-one would refute that, but I was driving myself down a no through road. I worked out a strategy – move my project managers into the larger group of project managers, have them all share the load with the release managers responsible to work out issues with architectural solutions, scope, requirements and timeline issues. When that was put in place about 7 weeks ago I could finally work an 8 hour day instead of 16 or more.

Meanwhile I looked into if I could somehow get a mortgage because I pay the amount in rent I would be paying on a mortgage. I could not. But I got focused on a goal, to get enough to buy a house. Then I decided I wanted to earn 7 figures. I did not want a steady regular income only, I wanted more so I would never be worried about money and debt again. My head was free of the emotional fog that surrounded my mind, that heartbroken lost sad fog that left me feeling so lost and alone and so sad about the love of my life being gone. My life has gone from being so in love and so happy, to being so heartbroken there were times I thought I would never survive it. Living a life without this man was so hard. Adjusting to it was so hard. Part of me accepted he was gone, he had another life, he was with someone else and that was it. I accepted it. But I was heartbroken. Recently I am no longer that way.

I feel alive, every cell in my body just vibrant and loving life. I feel like me again and with that I now realise what a terrible state I have been in for 18 months to 3 years. I feel so free and I feel so much like me again and is just so good.

I am exploring options, nothing in particular. Property investment, the stock market, watching and listening and being open to anything. I am reading books, listening to audiobooks and tonight I bought 4 magazines on wealth management, making a business prosper, property investments. I am working on a mindset of prospering, breaking through any limitations I might have – though I have very few of those …seemingly being born with a happy, positive and confident disposition.  I am also seeing if I can take my son along this journey with me as he has so much going for him and is a bit of a lost wonderful young man at the moment with the world at his feet. Yesterday I bought him home a card and I said “Together, you and I are going to rock this world!” and on the front was an animated little cat and a bunny, side by side, waving a wishing flower each, with them swaying together like “We are the champions…”. he liked it

So watch this space! From heartbroken, single, over 40 and on the verge of bankruptcy to Millionaire in a few years! It will take time but my life is going ahead in leaps and bounds. I might write that book, that book I tried in vain to find so many times to help me find my way through the devastating heartache that consumed me so much that tears would flow and I did not even realise it. No more will my fellow train commuters wonder why this lady was crying. And I bought myself an Apple Macbook Pro to symbolise the start of the rest of my life. I’m back!!

I’m feeling good! Really good.  For Friday night I had 4 invititations to a night out, but I ended up going for a drink at afterwork drinks and staying for the night with work related people – had a pretty good night and did not end up at Softbelly where I had intended to make new friends. But the next night Saturday, though I thought about pulling out, I made myself go out. I had only met one person there and called him beforehand to make sure he was going. He was great and when I got there he introdcued me to some people. We were at a pub in Port Melbourne, had dinner and then a band came on and played 80’s music – I just have such a great time around 80’s music. Is that what happens to everyone who hears music from the time were they were around 17 years old? I don’t know. 

There were about 40 people there from a group, and I made alot of new friends. Everyone was so nice and welcoming. Plus there ended up being about 6 people I had met before – most from that Christmas function I went to last year – see it was really I went to that.  There were two pool tables and I played. I had not played pool for so long and was admittedly a bit sozzled. Everyone was playing doubles and someone asked if I would like to play. So I took the pool cue, wished myself luck, and took a shot. Bam, the ball fired off and sunk the one I was going for. Bam, the next one went straight in, and Bam, again it happened. Then I laughed. I was imaging if anyone who really new me saw that they would be so cracking up. I am not good at pool! I ended up playing all night and everyone was so much fun. I did well, though as the night went on and I drank more wine there some embarrassing misses LOL. 

I was asked if I had my own pool table at home, I was asked who taught me to play like that. So bloody funny, I can not tell you how hilarious that is. But all was good. There was even this Italian guy who told me he was a champion years ago back home in Italy – he wanted to play single with me. And I beat him! Again, bloody hilarious – but I suspect he might have let me win. 

Anyway it was so good to have gone out and made some new friends. I will go out with these people again – and make more friends and some firmer friends perhaps. I feel like I am finally ready to make friends. I have always wanted to but just not been ready – so consumed with my feeling of bretrayal, of a lost love, of trying to make sense of the breakup. I have been consumed with shock, grief and wondering how the person I loved so much changed so much, how he chose someone else over me, how he did not fight for what we had, how he could betray me and treat me like he did, how he could have put me through what he has.  But now I see there is no sense to it, no logical reason for it. He is him and he did what he did. It is as it is. And that’s it. It hurt and it messed me up, but I can feel resilience, I can at last feel that oneday this part of my life will be a little blip in my larger life, just a memory. I can feel it will not consume me forever when before I felt it would.

My ex is going through a bit of a hard time but he has a great psychologist which is just the best thing for him. His relationship with the other woman has gone very badly, and he is working through that, picking himself up and dusting himself off. He keeps very busy and he too is resilient. We have spent a fair bit of time together this weekend, and its been really good. Last weekend we out as well. And the more time I spend with him, the more I can see that this man is not for me. He wishes he could fix us, but he knows he can’t.  And the best thing he is not obsessing over it. His view is that he does not want us to try again and risk it failing because then he might lose me from his life altogether. And anyway, he will find someone new and he will be ok. And I will be better than ok.

I realised this morning that this is the weekend my ex and I moved into this house last year – the new start he really wanted for us, the new start he convinced me to give him… and it only lasted to Thursday. And that is when I asked him to leave for good.  And I realised with amazement that the past year seems to have taken so very long. You know how years just fly by and it was yesterday that it was this time last year? Well that is the case for me too but this time is a weird feeling realising that the this time last year seems such a long time ago, it feels like 10 years. Not that I have moved on but just in what I have been through I  guess.

When I think of the last year I realise I was in depression, and probably still am, but I can I am able to find my out now. I look back and its extraodrinary what I went through in myself. So much grief and depression. I fought with myself to be ok so hard, as if my life depended on it, and I can say with a heavy heart that on more than a few times my life did depend on it. Its incredible how emotions can affect you.

But I think when you lived for over two decades loving someone, and then it ends how it did, those feelings are just too much. They are not easy to get over. I felt used, cheated, taken advantage of. I felt so rejected.  I felt that I had been misled for so long. I felt that what we had was all for nothing.  And I was so massively confused. How can a love like we had turn so bad, when I still loved him enough to fight for us to work.  How can he be with other women when we weremeant to be together? I had lived with a man who was not perfect by any means but as we grew up together he grew and we were so looking forward to our 40’s. And we got to 40 and his business went down, he fel in love with someone else and so much happened else that happened. I loved this man so much and so purely. I was loyal, loving, and fiercely protective. And it was all for nothing. 

But it wasn’t for nothing. It was a life and I enjoyed it and I grew within it. And throughout my life I have been real, very grounded. The more I see of life I recognise that I am very grounded and I see this as a really good thing. I love that I am compassionate and good through and through, despite so many adversities. 

And I want to pull myself right out now. I want to be ok. The thing that concerns me sometimes is that I have shut everyone our of my life.  I tend to do that. I did that when my father was killed. I had to tell my friends to just leave me alone and try to get them to undertsand it was I needed. I shut down. And I needed to be on my own last year while I fought the demons that are my emotions. Being a person who was born with a happy-stick, I always tried hard to understand depression, it was an absoute shock to go through it. Its a scarey thing and I am concerned about all the people out there who struggle with it. I wish I could find a way to help people. Throughout this time I have thought that it was so bad, maybe I could find a way through it and come out able to help others afterwards, but even while I have been very conscious of this, stuffed if I can think of how to help people! One way to be to have a support group, so there are people going through it with you, than can relate to you. This might have people going through it and people who have come out of it. Another is a web forum for it. You see when people go through these things they think (probably quite rightly) that others don’t have the patience for it. They would think you should just snap out of it. 

I need to get in touch with the people who have reached out to me, people I did not contact back, friends who I lost touch with.  I want to get into hobbies again and into regular exercise. I was recommended by my dentist to a psychologist for counselling so I will be making a booking and hope she can help guide me through the next year.  I have tried them before and found them hopeless, three times.  But I willl try this one, she sounds good. And so I start the second year of my life after the breakup. I remember thinking back then that in a years time I would be so fine and wished I could speed up time. But I am not fine at all, but I am definitely better. I feel like living again. And that is something that makes me feel very happy. I am happy to be alive.

Things that I am considering;

Track work – I always loved cars, and for over a decade I had quite powerful cars. I used to go to track days with my ex.  I might go for a day with my son and have some fun with professional racing drivers

A language class, maybe French – went to Paris a few years ago and loved it, German – I am half German and used to speak it as a child, Italian – This is the most tempting because I think it sounds beautiful and fun, plus I could learn it and then go to Italy to use it….fabulous.

Craft. I saw these wooden eggs beautifully painted, so amazingly beautiful. I think it would be so nice to get some paint brushes and some paint and make these or something similar.

Ceramics/Pottery. I have ofen imagined living in a cosy cottage with lots of open windows and out the back have a pottery shed. In that I would have a kiln and a pottery wheel, lots of shelves, clay and tools. I would spend time out there making things and whiling away time, enjoy using my hands

Getting a Macbook. I would love this idea because they come with great software to play with photos and make videos, and slide shows. This would be so cool, but its expensive!

Knitting. Have always wanted to knit and tried to make a few scarves but man I am a loser at knitting! I’d like to perserve though as it would be nice to grow old with that skill.

Keyboards. I learnt the piano as a child and got to 6th grade – I have no idea how – I have no natural talent. But I have often thought about getting an electonic full sized keyboard, going to the music shop and buying some sheet music of something I would like to be able to play. Then going about learning it.

Drums. Oh how I love drums. I love seeing drum solos, it really pumps me up. It makes me feel awesome. And it fills me with envy. I have thought about getting an electronic drum kit so I wear earphones and don’t annoy anyone. 

Suba Diving. I know a woman who scube dives. She travels the world for work and drops into dive places for dive trips. She also got into underwater photography. It would be great! But the problem is I am somewhat claustrophobic and even find it a bit of a challenge to go snorkeling. So  so I would have to get over that.

Photography. when I went to Paris I had a small digital camera. I found I loved to take photos and during that 2 weeks trip I discovered every use and setting for my camera. I then felt its limitations and when I got back I bought a much better camera. I would like to learn more about photography.

Golf. Golf looks nice, playing on the greens. And I have heard its wuite social. I have considered starting golf lessons but never did anything about it.

Weight training. I have considerd weight training. Its good for weightloss and getting fit and strong and healthy. I would do it with cardio work. I have never done weights so this is something I think about from time to time.

Women’s forum for getting through breakups. I often think of this. Going through my breakup has been so hard, so incredibly hard and I know that lots of people are going through it all the time. There is so little help out there. I tried so hard to find websites that could help me.  I found one but it was very religious. God will help you if you reach out and let him, just doesn’t do it for everyone and is not for me.  I want to help people save their marriages and if the marriages break up, then help them get through that. I really want to help people with this as my time has been devastating and there have been times I did not know if I would survive it. But while I am better, I am still working through it, and I feel I need to let myself get better first.