About This Blog, and Me.

24th March 2008

This blog is started at Easter 2008.  I love life and firmly believe that what we get out of it is up to us, short of war and other extraordinary circumstances. I think that we tend to take life, each other and our circumstances for granted quite easily sometimes. Nothing is black and white, and we always have choices. For example, I have been in love with the same man, the father of my young adult son for more than 20 years. In the last year the relationship has been challenging and it has been my choice to fight for it. How can you give up on such a deep relationship? I will if I need to, but I am not ready to give up yet.  We will build it up again and be better than ever, or I will shed it and move on. It will be one or the other.

I love food, and have a great appreciation for it. I don’t have unrealistic expectations for myself, I just want to be healthy and fit, and be comfortable with my weight.  I used to be much heavier and I had blood pressure and other health issues. I lost weight and all my health issues went away, and so I experienced a direct correlation between my weight and my well-being.  I am heavier than I want to be and I am doing something about it. I a member of www.calorieking.com.au which is a great website with a fabulous forum for people targetting weight loss.

I am a determined person, and get what I want. I am fiercely loyal, but only to those who deserve it. Those who deserve my wrath usually get the benefit of higher moral ground, as I walk away.  There are a few exceptions.  Do I hold a grudge? Hell yes. But it has to be a serious one.  One grudge I hold is to the killer of my father, a man who bashed and kicked my kind sweet 52 year old Dad to death on the side of a freeway late one night, simply because he was Chinese. He served 16 months of a 5 year pathetic and outrageous manslaughter conviction.  I do not believe in capital punishment, but there other options and my father’s killer is a racist thug who does not deserve to live a life of his choosing.

I am big on not sweating the small stuff. I am an excellent consultant, with great attention to detail and I take full responsibility for what is mine to manage. I treasure my friends, and they understand I am always there for them, and that sometimes I need space. You know, they say life is a ‘journey’ which is an overused term, but it is actually true….we meander here and there and we discover things about the world, about life and about ourselves.

I believe anything is possible, if we set our minds to it. Sure some things take time, and death is inevitable but within those constraints we have the power within ourselves to make our stamp on the earth, to make it a better place. Sometimes that is just by giving a busker some money, or being nice to the person serving you rather than treating them like a robot with no feelings.

My downside.  I am too kind. I have only come to realise this recently, and it seems a bit silly, but it is in fact true. I need to learn to choose wisely when to give of myself, and to put myself first, and when to say no, or enough is enough. This is my challenge. It is a strange kindness that I am working through within myself, because I am as tough as nails, rock solid, grounded and people that know me know not to mess with me. Maybe its the Gemini in me – it is one extreme or another.

I look forward to Easter 2009 to see how I have gone with all these things in my life. I look forward to being in my relationship as perfect as it was, better than ever or having moved on from it and in a good place within myself without it. I look forward to being steadily 10kg lighter than I am now. I look forward to appreciating every day, and myself and being proud of what I have accomplished in 12 months leading up to Easter 2009. This blog and everyone who is part of my life from here until then, is part of that journey.

15 October 2009

Well as it turns out I moved into new house to start again with my ex at the end of April 2008. We were split up from July – early November 2007 though living in the same house, he did alot of dating, it broke my heart. We reconciled in November but in January I found out he was being single on emails, phone calls, texts. In April I was moving out on my own since the owner of the house we rented was moving back in. My ex convinced me to try again, said al the right things, we moved and in 5 says I found he was still pursuing other women. I asked him to leave. 2007 was hell on earth as I fought for us and lost. The rest of 2008 was devastating as I finally knew it was over that early day in May. In September I found out he had been living with a woman since June but it did not work out. Then they started and on and off thing. In October he turned up at my place in the middle of the night – after she called 000 and had the police remove him from the place they shared. After Christmas I found out he was still with her, but often he stayed at his mates Jacks place – but he waned to reconcile with me.

Again in Feb 09 but he said he would not be getting into any of that romance crap – so I told him to forget it, it hurt that he said that. I don;t know what he was thinking. At Easter I knew they were together but she stole his car from my driveway with a spare key she had – she knew he was spending the day with our son and I.  He left her then and moved into the retirement village – a business he shares with her. In June we talked about reconciliation after going for a long weekend away together with our dogs, but it came to nothing and in August I found out he was back with her, sharing his room with with her. My exMIL turned against me, which was very upsetting for me as she had been like a mother to me. I did nothing wrong but I think she misinterpreted some things wrongly, ran away with them in her imagination, got stubborn – it hurt alot.

But I was so glad 2008 is over. 2007 was such a struggle for me to fight for us. I gave it everything I had. Everything. It was very difficult to watch the man I love slide away. 2008 was just devastating, I was heartbroken to the point I did not think I could survive at times. Every day I worked so hard and every night I cried a heartwrenching cry. I drank alot, and by myself. But I held down my job and I did ok, and just when I thought I could not breathe anymore, 2009 came and I felt a bit better. I could breathe a bit.

As the last few months of 2009 approach, I am again wanting to lose weight, to break into a whole new 10kg range by Christmas. I am feeling good, confident, and somewhat whole. I am now finally ready for dating and joined an online dating agency and in the last 2 weeks started responding and communicating with guys I am matched with.

I still love my ex so much, so deeply, but where-as two months ago I was more frequently than not burying my devastation, though at times I was really doing ok, now I feel like although I do love him and would do anything to get us back, he is not someone I can rely on – he intends well, but he just hurts me so much. He doesn’t mean to hurt me, and he loves me more than anything. He wants us together, but he doesn’t do what it takes to make it happen. He often sheds tears, and I don’t understand if I meant so much to him why he hasn’t made the reconciliation happen. But I find its too late now. I find the love I have for him not crippling me emotionally anymore. I am separating my deep love for him from my identity, from my ego – to just accepting that I love him so much, and that’s it. I love him and I am moving on.

I don’t have all the answers. everyone says I should cut him out of my life. I can’t do it. Everyone said I should not go to court to help him, but I could not stop myself from being there for him.  Its not tit for tat. Its not whether he deserves so much from me or not, its about my own personal integrity. And that is important to me. I love being me because I am good and I have strong personal integrity.  I will not compromise my personal integrity for fame or money, or anything else. Now I just hope in 12 months time, in October 2010, I have moved ahead even more, still retained my integrity, weigh in the low 80’s and doing a-ok. I think it might be nice to have let another man in my life by then, even if it did not work out. I have a feeling that will be the case because I am opening up to that more for the first time ever.